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That's one of the multiple approaches where most of us go to start getting well. I really do urge you to consider a GP visit very soon.


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Thoughts of death and dying that accompany the other feelings you describe are never pleasant and I think you'll find some initial relief with a Dr. The next approach which I think we should step through a bit slower is talking about the change in how you felt when your son was born. In talking about this you might feel some guilt or discomfort but please know from when we chatted a few months ago, I know you're a great dad, so nothing about that is in question.

Nothing at all! It's all about how you're feeling. Let's make a pact.

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I won't judge anything you say but you're not allowed to either. There is a Beyond Blue help line that is available 24 hours a day. You are welcome and encouraged to use it if you need to and if you have thoughts of death or dying or anything like suicide, you must call the folks on that number, they WILL help. I'm not sure how this thread ended up in this section. I suppose because I mentioned death. I still think it should be where it was initially but never mind.

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I do have a gp and am on an antidepressant but I don't think it is doing very much. I'm thinking of coming off it. Might try and find a new doctor as my current one keeps brushing me off. Having children is a huge change and I'm not sure I was ready for it. Given that I feel like I would be more suited to a same sex relationship I probably shouldn't have had kids. This could be very confusing for them down the track if I do eventually come out or end my marriage.

But I love them dearly and still believe I can be s good father if they want me. Our moderators will move any posts that mention thoughts of death or suicide to this forum.

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It's an automatic safety thing. I reckon your suggestion of finding a GP who you feel more comfortable with is a great idea. Can you keep me updated with how that goes? I have absolutely no trouble telling people about myself, but I think it's like any type of friendship or relationship or mateship or even an interaction with a colleague - there will be people we are comfortable with and feel a rapport and those who we just don't. I've found an awesome GP and a great psychiatrist and they are phenomenally helpful.

Having kids is a HUGE change! I was present at the birth of my nephew my sister's son and there for the first week. The changes I observed in her and her husband were astounding, there's so much to learn and do and so much bloody sleep to miss out on! The thing was that my sis said even though she read books 4, of them she is a bloody bookworm I don't think anyone is really ready for kids.

But as you say, you love them dearly and I know man dads who are gay who love their kids just the same as anyone else and the kids are amazing as well. Let's run a scenario - Imagine you ARE in a same sex relationship and you had kids by whatever means with your partner. What would be different? Can you step me through? I know this doesn't exactly address your situation but I think it might help to step through. The last paragraph you wrote conveys some pretty strong emotions - I really sense them and understand the upset. I'd like to talk more about the last paragraph next time we write after we walk through your walk through of the scenario I gave.

Hi Paul. It has taken me a while to reply as the last few days have been pretty hectic.


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  7. I understand what you are saying about why the post has ended up in this section. I am pretty old fashioned when it comes to families. I see a family as a mum, a dad and kids. I believe in kids having a man and a woman as their parents. That is how I was brought up and they are the values my family have instilled in me I guess.

    I don't have anything against same sex couples having kids but it just seems unfair on the kids to me. I worry about them getting teased and bullied by other kids. School children can be very cruel.. I worry about all of these things. In terms of finding a new doctor I know I need to but keep putting it off. I never feel comfortable with doctors. They make me feel anxious. Don't know why. I also don't like talking about my mental health or personal issues with strangers so that is going to be tough..

    Family values are something that is precious to us all and no one can dictate how you should raise your kids a health professional will NOT do this.

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    I understand and respect that you don't like to talk to strangers about how you feel. Please keep in mind that any professional you talk to is bound by law and ethics to maintain complete secrecy. When you visit, they are going to be focussing on your mental health and ensuring you are OK, they may perhaps talk about how to manage some of the emotions that are flying around inside and also the emotions that used to fly around inside.

    You can choose the time to tell them you are gay, perhaps that might be after a few visits and you feel comfortable with them and they aren't a stranger anymore. Can you tell me what you'd like to gain from the forums here at Beyond Blue so we can help you achieve what you need to feel well again? What I really want to achieve is to share how I'm feeling and to gain advice and or perspective from others.

    I don't expect a magical fix but I just want some guidance on what I should do in my situation. Ultimately it is my decision and I know that. No one can make the decision for me but at the moment it just seems too confusing and too hard to tackle so I pretend it's not there and just keep going.

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    I wonder if any other married men can relate to my post or have been through a situation like this and are on the forum? If so I would like to know how they got through this. I'm not after sympathy or just having a whinge I just want to hear how others would go about dealing with being gay but married to a woman. Hi Steven, hope you don't mind me joining in here and I hope my thoughts don't upset you I am now on my second marriage and a good bit older than you so I might be seeing things a bit differently but, for what it's worth, I think marriages only truly work if both partners are honestly happy and fulfilled in the marriage - and I mean honestly and I mean both.

    You have much to consider and decide concerning your own life, but so does your wife - whether she knows it or not. I guess what I'm trying to say, not so subtly, is that the future of your marriage doesn't just depend on whether you as a gay man can or wants to stay with a woman. To put it bluntly, it is equally about whether your heterosexual wife wants a gay husband, or would be happier having the freedom to find a partner who is sexually attracted to her.

    In my opinion, if you love her and respect her, and see her as more than just the bearer of your children, this is something you both need to consider. I very much understand where you are coming from! I grew up in a very strongly religious family, and if I reflect I would say at some level I knew I was attracted to men probably around the same time as you.

    But I tried very hard to do what was expected of me, and I dated a couple of girls, and eventually married. I was married for 15 years, and have three lovely kids, who are now 13, 10 last week! I spent a good fraction of those 15 years in a pretty dark place and was on antidepressants about half that time. I was able to blame it even partly to myself on trying to write a PhD which I managed eventually , and on the trauma of one of my kids being very sick as an infant. But really, in that small part of me that could be honest with myself, the real problem was, like you, that I was living a lie.

    Eventually, I felt that I had to admit it mostly to myself , that I am gay. I felt like I would lose everything, but once I had admitted it to myself, I told my wife the next morning. I love and respect her, and it was important to me to tell her. We separated amicably shortly after. I told my parents a couple of days after I told my wife actually by email - they were living in the country, and I knew I couldn't do it over the phone.

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    It was a good move. Time to compose your thoughts was good for me and good for them. They were very surprised, but have been a rock solid support.

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    My ex wife is an awesome woman, and although some of it has been emotionally hard for both of us, she has been constructive and understanding throughout. As I said, my parents have been awesome, and the rest of my family have been fine too. Being a part-time single parent was really hard, but as I've relaxed a bit and as the kids have grown up it has got much easier. I have a lovely partner - we've been together a couple of years, and my ex wife has a new partner too. He's lovely and loves the kids too.