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Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. This book was not my cup of tea, I did not even finish it. I thought the book would speak to me on a practical level instead it goes on about history and its effect on LGBTQ people. The book should rather have been titled something else. Paperback Verified Purchase. To sum it up in one word: Written by and about exactly the type of gay man? I am half way through this book and don't think I will be able to finish it. It seems like a shallow circuit queen's way of excusing her own failure in the relationship arena.

Berenzai's book makes for the 11th thing I should know about being gay and single.

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Michael's Shopping. Almost finished with this book and its been pretty good reading. Makes you think especially if you are a single gay man.

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Especially if you are a more mature gay man who has been dating for a long while. Good book! Only into it a little, but so far it's pretty good I haven't really read anything that I didn't already know I forced myself to read this book twice.. My second reading was conducted to really go at it with a determination to be both objective and fair.

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I liked some of the realities and some of the socio-evolutionary findings. Yet, unfortunately, the second reading made me far more depressed than the first! Is being a gay single defined solely as a life of clubbing, doing drugs, being obsessed with the body perfect both yours and the body of the one you're interested in , having to work long hours to have money for a "plastic surgery fund", having sex at bath houses or with prostitutes oh sorry.. I tend to call things as they are or F-buddies call it what it is! The advice he gives could have been given succinctly with clear bullet points and other resources; thereby cutting the book's size in half--and thus saving some of us the vapid tedium of wading through what amounts to a cross between "Bitter Sex and the City" and "Confessions of a Circuit Club Queen".

After the second reading of his book I was half-tempted to fix myself a Drain-o cocktail and end it all. While there are parts of the book that were pretty interesting and actually hopeful especially the sections and snippets where it's important to have friends who are in some ways truly family , the book as a whole was a total downer.

I had expected much more in the way of positive, real-world realities, and a little less of his cruising confessional. Yeah, I'm really disappointed with this work. I can relate with many of the authors feelings. I came out very young 16 in and I thought the gay world was just going to welcome me with open arms, I could finally be myself, yeah right naive little boy.

I got smacked in the head fast, other gay men were ten times more hateful and mean than any straights I had ever come up against. As I got older I also realized that boyfriends were for the hot, good looking gym guys, not average Joe's like me. It was a way of not dealing with my own life. For decades, this is what psychologists thought, too: But over the last 10 years, what researchers have discovered is that the struggle to fit in only grows more intense. A study published in found that rates of anxiety and depression were higher in men who had recently come out than in men who were still closeted.

But it was really horrifying. But I just felt like a piece of meat. It got so bad that I used to go to the grocery store that was 40 minutes away instead of the one that was 10 minutes away just because I was so afraid to walk down the gay street.

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And then you realize that everyone else here has baggage, too. But that meanness is almost pathological. All of us were deeply confused or lying to ourselves for a good chunk of our adolescence. So we show other people what the world shows us, which is nastiness. Every gay man I know carries around a mental portfolio of all the shitty things other gay men have said and done to him. I arrived to a date once and the guy immediately stood up, said I was shorter than I looked in my pictures and left.

For other minority groups, living in a community with people like them is linked to lower rates of anxiety and depression. It helps to be close to people who instinctively understand you. But for us, the effect is the opposite. Several studies have found that living in gay neighborhoods predicts higher rates of risky sex and meth use and less time spent on other community activities like volunteering or playing sports. A study suggested that gay men who were more linked to the gay community were less satisfied with their own romantic relationships.

Rejection from other gay people, though, feels like losing your only way of making friends and finding love. Being pushed away from your own people hurts more because you need them more. The researchers I spoke to explained that gay guys inflict this kind of damage on each other for two main reasons. It has to be constantly enacted or defended or collected.

We see this in studies: You can threaten masculinity among men and then look at the dumb things they do. They show more aggressive posturing, they start taking financial risks, they want to punch things. This helps explain the pervasive stigma against feminine guys in the gay community. According to Dane Whicker, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Duke, most gay men report that they want to date someone masculine, and that they wished they acted more masculine themselves. Feminine gay men are still stereotyped as bottoms, the receptive partner in anal sex.

A two-year longitudinal study found that the longer gay men were out of the closet, the more likely they were to become versatile or tops. When he first came out, he was convinced that he was too skinny, too effeminate, that bottoms would think he was one of them. My boyfriend noticed recently that I still lower my voice an octave whenever I order drinks. So, his sophomore year, he started watching his male teachers for their default positions, deliberately standing with his feet wide, his arms at his sides.

These masculinity norms exert a toll on everyone, even their perpetrators. Feminine gay men are at higher risk of suicide, loneliness and mental illness.

Masculine gay men, for their part, are more anxious, have more risky sex and use drugs and tobacco with greater frequency. One study investigating why living in the gay community increases depression found that the effect only showed up in masculine gay guys. The second reason the gay community acts as a unique stressor on its members is not about why we reject each other, but how.

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In the last 10 years, traditional gay spaces—bars, nightclubs, bathhouses—have begun to disappear, and have been replaced by social media. At least 70 percent of gay men now use hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff to meet each other. In , around 20 percent of gay couples met online. By , that was up to 70 percent.

Meanwhile, the share of gay couples who met through friends dropped from 30 percent to 12 percent. And yes, those are problems. But the real effect of the apps is quieter, less remarked-upon and, in a way, more profound: For many of us, they have become the primary way we interact with other gay people.

It feels good in the moment, but nothing ever comes of it, and those messages stop coming after a few days. It is that they are almost perfectly designed to underline our negative beliefs about ourselves. In interviews that Elder, the post-traumatic stress researcher, conducted with gay men in , he found that 90 percent said they wanted a partner who was tall, young, white, muscular and masculine. For the vast majority of us who barely meet one of those criteria, much less all five, the hookup apps merely provide an efficient way to feel ugly.

John, the former consultant, is 27, 6-foot-1 and has a six-pack you can see through his wool sweater.